Sunday, November 27, 2005
Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
Directed by David DeCoteau Writing credits Barry L. Levy
Jeff Branson.... Tyler
Louise Lasser.... Landlady
William Gregory Lee.... Jeff Allen
So this guy dreams about being a stock broker and heads to Wall Street. You'll know that it's Wall Street because the street and subway sign for Wall Street are shown numerous times. He's down on his luck until he goes to the Wolfie Boy Toy brokerage house. It's a hip, happening brokerage firm where all the men are buff and drink tea. They also dress sharp and have great hair. They want the new guy to run with the pack. Will he howl along with them? Only an idiot would stick around to find out.
This rotten excuse of a horror movie really hurt me. There is not one werewolf in the entire movie. Not one! Most of the movie is spent having some broker tell the new guy how to be a good salesman/predator. This wouldn't have been so bad if there was some remote semblance of a payoff. What a sick joke. There's nothing. When you have a sex scene with four guys and two girls and all the nudity is on the guy's side, you'll know that the movie has dive-bombed into complete oblivion. The horror angle is only the hook to get the ignorant suckers, (like me), to rent this awful rip-off. I have learned my lesson the hard way. Please excuse me while I howl in agony, "AH-WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Saturday, November 26, 2005
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
Directed by John Singleton
Paul Walker....Brian O'Conner
Tyrese Gibson.... Roman Pearce
Eva Mendes.... Monica Fuentes
Cole Hauser.... Carter Verone
Devon Aoki.... Suki
"2 Fast 2 Furious" is the embodiment of modern action movie formulas. PG-13. Rap music blasting. Multi-ethnic cast. This flick could play in any corner of the globe and would surely appeal to someone. They set it in Miami which is one of the most heavily mixed cities in America. You have a white guy as the star who is best friends with a black guy. Classic. Then they have them follow around a beautiful Latin woman as a potential love interest. Great. They even threw in a hot Asian girl who had no other function than to be a hot Asian girl. I loved her car readout monitor too. It looked like an angry "Hello Kitty!".
So "2 Fast 2 Furious" is right off the cookie cutter Hollywood action flick assembly line. People love seeing other people who look just like them in movies. So dang it, put them all in! Soon Hollywood will break down barriers in India and China, (one billion potential movie ticket buyers in each country people!), and we can get a Bombay set action movie starring some white action hero and his lovable sidekick from the Kashmir valley. Oh and throw in Suki from this flick for the love interest. Cha-ching.
As far as the racing scenes go, "2 Fast 2 Furious" is pretty good. The speedometers got more close-ups than some of the cast members. Actually the cars probably should have gotten credited in the cast as well. There seems to be one way to do a racing scene: Close-ups on the drivers eyes, then on the speedometer as it goes up and up, then to the cars zipping by, then repeat from step one. As a movie, "2 Fast 2 Furious" gets a little more ridiculous as it goes on. There's only so many cars racing by I can watch and still say cool. It probably lasted as long as it could before dipping into vroom vroom tedium.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 hot chicks sitting on a fast car
Friday, November 25, 2005
Teenage Cavegirl (2004)
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Writing credits Fred Olen Ray
Jezebelle Bond.... Tahra
Kennedy Johnston.... Sharon
Jay Richardson.... Dr. Matthews
Nicole Sheridan.... Cynthia
I bought this DVD. It was one of those deals where if you buy two movies you get a discount. In this case, I got "Teenage Cavegirl" and "Erotic Dreams of Jeannie". It was a Nicole Sheridan party.
"Teenage Cavegirl" is about sex, sex and more sex. Jezebelle Bond is the Cavegirl with tattoos and a healthy libido. She jumps through a blue time portal and ends up with a horny couple. Nicole Sheridan shows up as the professor's assistant who wants to assist the cavegirl out of her clothes. Many sex scenes follow. Girl/boy. Girl/Girl. Girl/Girl/Boy. It all leads up to the exciting climax in the camper. Can you guess what it is? Yeah, that's right. It's a sex scene. A dang good one too.
"Teenage Cavegirl" is a winner. The girls are hot and the sex is plentiful. Nicole Sheridan and Jezebelle Bond know their stuff. The final party in the camper was the highlight. I'm sure this movie will be playing on late night Cinemax someday. If you can't wait that long, the DVD is worth it.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot chicks making out
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Writing credits Bill Zebub
A maniac kills women for his snuff movie. All of the women are wannabe actresses who can't wait to be tied up and humiliated in the name of entertainment. The maniac, (Bill Zebub), can't wait to accommodate them. He's a talkative kind of killer. He likes to articulate everything he's going to do to his victims. It kind of takes the suspense away when every nasty move is spelled out ahead of time. Zebub says he wants to shock the horror world by killing the useless scream queens that are ruining horror by taking their tops off and screaming on cue. "Kill the Scream Queen" is an attempt to get back to basic exploitative horror by cutting out all of the fluff and getting down to it.
This is an interesting sleaze fest. Zebub strikes me as the kind of filmmaker who takes his horror movies very seriously. In "Kill the Scream Queen" he goes off on many tangents as to why recent horror has been diluted with a bunch of weak flicks, particularly ones that have scream queens. Of course I must disagree vehemently with this blasphemy. Scream queens are great. Why would anyone want to kill them? Of course Zebub exposes his hypocrisy by having naked women in almost every second of his movie and they're usually screaming. Horror movies need scream queens. Where would we be today if Jamie Lee Curtis hadn't screamed her head off in "Halloween"? Women will be screaming in horror movies until the end of time. Don't fight it.
In "Kill the Scream Queen", women walk into an abandoned bar, get tied up, usually get a big, red rubber ball shoved in their mouth and are promptly either raped or killed. But this flick is not just about tying women up, humiliating them and then killing them. Oh no. It's much more than that. Well, not much more. It's also about Zebub trying to bring real porno sleaze back into horror so that he can shock the jaded horror fans. He makes a good run at it. But it's still the same old problem that haunts most B-movies: Bad acting, unconvincing effects, etc. I wasn't shocked by any of the scenes although the exploitation level on this one is over the top. If you're looking for some pure B-movie sleaze, this one will work for you.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 gagged Scream Queens
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Actress Apocalypse (2005)
Directed byRichard R. Anasky Writing credits Richard R. Anasky
Garo Nigoghossian.... David B. Lincoln the 3rd
Greg G. Freeman.... Vance Lincoln
Jay Ingle.... The Golden Terror
Dahlia Legault.... Layla Black
A user on the IMDb recommended this movie to me. It does my heart good to know that some people think of me when they find a sleazy movie. "Actress Apocalypse" has many scenes of actresses disrobing, stripping, posing, and just generally being naked. In fact, the credits are played over scenes of two girls kissing in the shower. As the man said, "That's the way you start a movie.
"Unfortunately, I didn't like "Actress Apocalypse". The movie is set up as a fake documentary of the making of a B-movie. It's got something to do with a mullet headed Indian killing women. I was not a fan of "The Blair Witch Project" and like that movie, "Actress Apocalypse" is full of improvisations. They make it up as they go along. Lots of improvised conversation, lots of screaming, lots of improvised screaming. The director screams at his psychotic brother who in turn screams back at him. They both argue with the boom operator and everybody bellows at the actresses who are auditioning. The movie is set up as a series of auditions for a slasher flick that usually ends in an actress apocalypse. The brother just cannot control himself.
"Actress Apocalypse" is one of the most hyper movies I've ever seen. Every film-making trick is used. It reminded me of "Natural Born Killers" in its attempt to beat the viewer into submission. I was worn out watching this kinetic mess. It was stuck in permanent overdrive: Switching from color to black and white, splicing in quick flashes of nudity, etc. This movie made me tense with its non-stop screaming and film-making insanity.
Although I didn't like the movie as a whole, there were still some good things here to enjoy. "Actress Apocalypse" does not skimp on the gratuitous nudity. There were some hot women in this one. Having the girl continually walk back and forth naked was an especially nice touch. It's this dedication to exploitation that I admire.
Overall, "Actress Apocalypse" was just too wired for me. I loved the nudity in between the screaming matches but the continual yelling and fighting drowned out any sleazy goodness from all of the fine exploitation scenes.
Two Severed heads out of Five
Saturday, November 19, 2005
The Back Lot Murders (2002)
Directed by David DeFalco
Priscilla Barnes.... Stephanie
Corey Haim.... Tony
Lisa Brucker.... Arlene
Jaime Anstead.... Janey Colfax
LoriDawn Messuri.... Wendy
A rock band is filming their video on the "Back Lot" of a certain famous movie studio. I see the "Psycho" House and the set from the "Lost World", (mentioned twice), hmmm...I wonder which studio it could be? It turns out that someone is stalking this "Back Lot" and is looking to commit "Murders". Hence the title "The Back Lot Murders". This is all sponsored by the makers of little brown cigarettes which are smoked constantly throughout the flick.
First, let me say how disappointed I was that the hottest girl in the cast was the first to get killed. We are introduced to a redhead in the first 15 minutes and then she is promptly killed in the next ten minutes. This made me very sad. While the other women had larger breasts and got naked, I felt the redhead was the most interesting (and hottest). I think her name was LoriDawn Messuri although I can't be certain. She's listed as "Wendy" on the IMDb but she'll always be the Redheaded Fog Girl to me. Sorry to see her go. Oh well.
I enjoyed "The Back Lot Murders" but not because I thought it was a well made movie. Let me point out two obvious goofs. When one of the dancing girls gets strangled by the killer with her own bra, you can clearly see she is wearing some sort of white emergency strap underneath. We had already seen a two second glimpse of her naked breasts in one shot and in the next her breasts are reined in by this evil white strap. The other goof has the killer using an ax and hitting a victim in the stomach. The next scene has the ax in the killer's hands again but it's supposed to still be wedged in the victim's stomach! That ax is all over the place. These goofs can probably be overlooked though.
"The Back Lot Murders" was a fun movie. As a horror movie, it's pretty weak. But I did enjoy watching the rock star manager and the director of the video. They were amusing, especially the director. The manager was kind of a turn-on too, (Priscilla Barnes). The blue streak in her hair was working for me. I'm not sure why. Also, there were two short topless scenes with the dancing girls. These scenes never fail to bring a smile to my face. "The Back Lot Murders" works a lot better as a comedic take on Hollywood egos than as a horror flick.
One last thing, speaking of egos, check out the documentary at the end of the movie. The director has the nerve to say this is an intellectual movie (!!!). Now that's comedy. I laughed. He also says that if you look really hard at his flick, you'll see what they were trying to do. Of course, he doesn't bother to tell you what they were trying to do. You'll just have to look hard. Real hard.
Directed byThomas Ashley
Cliff Robertson.... Mr. Shroud
Lesley-Anne Down.... Dist. Atty. Murphy
Wesley Duncan.... Brandon Hunter
The filmmakers saw one too many "X-Files" episodes and decided to make a movie. So the authorities are worried about a possible Jersey Devil hanging out in their woods. They sic New Jersey's Agent Scully on it. She rolls out there and runs into a man who may know something. Then the movie shifts to the guy from "Benson" hanging out in a mental hospital. Then the movie shifts again as flashback after flashback sends the viewer into an epileptic fit. As soon as your brain starts to heal, the filmmakers finally reveal the Jersey Devil. Now your brain is primed to implode. Implode it shall.
This movie is a classic example of what I would refer to as a "Blender movie". They shot a lot of different scenes and then tried to glue them together in a futile attempt at a movie. In this case, it was impossible. So they took the scenes they had and shoved them into the blender. It's a mess.
As stinky as this movie is, I can still find two positive aspects of it: One, I learned a lot about New Jersey geography. Two, there is a topless scene. Not Agent Scully but some random topless girl. I'll take whatever I can get.
13 Erotic Ghosts (2002)
Directed byFred Olen RayWriting credits Fred Olen Ray
Mia Zottoli.... Gina DiCaprio
Zen.... Erotic Twin Ghost (as The Porcelain Twinz)
Zero.... Erotic Twin Ghost (as The Porcelain Twinz)
A bunch of ghost hunters end up at a haunted house. They are looking for erotic ghosts. They've come to the right place. Every time you see the ghost hunters put on their special horny goggles, you know that the erotic ghosts are up to something. You see, the goggles are the only way they can see the ghosts. Thankfully, the filmmakers have included special 3-D ghost watching glasses with the DVD but strangely enough, the film works fine with or without them.
"13 Erotic Ghosts" is pure lesbian ghost satisfaction. There are no men to get in the way here. To paraphrase what the guy said, if you want to watch naked girls kiss each other, (and who doesn't), this is the movie you seek. I was very pleased.
Some highlights: Julie Strain rolls around with the Porcelain Twinz, (Zen and Zero). The first time is in a pool and the second time they are in bed together. In fact, Strain has been in a couple of flicks with the Twinz. They work well together. The Twinz are just the right height. You have giant black haired Strain in between two short blonde women. It's magic. Zen and Zero. How can you not like naked twins named Zen and Zero?Mia Zottoli and Aria Giovanni are two other mega babes who show up in this one. Zottoli is a ghost hunter and Giovanni is a ghost. You see where this is heading, don't you? Giovanni has a good scene with another erotic ghost and Zottoli has some fun at the end as she piles on the bed with some ghostly women. Strain, Zottoli and Giovanni make "13 Erotic Ghosts" a must see.
One last thing, the only complaint I have about this one are the ghost hunters. During the sex scenes, the camera would always cut back to the ghost hunters watching. Let's just say they cut back at the most inappropriate times and they cut back way too much. I would have been happier if they had cut them out completely. A horny ghost watcher is not what you want to watch when erotic ghosts are doing what they do best.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 erotic ghosts
Friday, November 18, 2005
Jake Gyllenhaal.... Donnie Darko
Maggie Gyllenhaal.... Elizabeth Darko
Mary McDonnell.... Mrs. Rose Darko
Donnie Darko is a sullen, anti-social teenager. He's in therapy and on medication. He is plagued with visions of death, doomsday predictions and giant talking rabbits. Just like most kids from the 80's. As the New Wave soundtrack blasts in our ears, Darko tries to make sense of it all. Is he a paranoid schizophrenic? Is he a visionary? Will he build a Delorean and go back to the future? Is he just plain nuts?
"Donnie Darko" is very interesting. I think you would have to be a child of the 80's, (which I am), to fully appreciate it. Was the director Donnie Darko back in his teenage years? Did he know a Donnie Darko? This story feels immensely personal. Was he a confused teenager too? It's got Tears for Fears on the soundtrack and "Evil Dead" showing in the movie theater. Time Travel is an important element of this flick. I felt like I had tripped through a wormhole back to private school with Darko."Donnie Darko" is, for the most part, a mystery. Why is Darko being sent all these orders from the Fuzzy Bunny man? Who is Scary Cottontail? What the heck does it all mean? Well, here are my thoughts:
*SPOILER ON ENDING* *DO NOT READ ANY MORE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE**LAST CHANCE TO STOP READING*Still with me? OK. Darko is a screwed up teenager. A bright teenager but screwed up. The smart ones know too much for their own good. They get sad pretty easily since they can't see the world as simply as others. "Fear or Love"? So throughout the flick, Darko sees a guy in a rabbit suit telling him to do violently anti-social things. So we start to write these visions off as delusions from a warped mind. But then the concept of time travel is introduced. Could the rabbit be from Darko's future? Is he trying to help him or hurt him? This is (obviously) the mystery to solve.
Darko thinks he knows the exact time he is going to die. The rabbit told him so. Darko is either insane or knows a smart bunny. When Darko has a life or death choice to make, he chooses life. Not his life but everyone else's. When he makes his final choice and jumps through his wormhole, he lands back in his bedroom. He's seen smiling and laughing in his bed. This was the first sign of happiness (relief?) Darko had shown during the entire movie. Maybe Darko wasn't so dark after all. He did some bad bunny things but at the end of his road, he made the right decision.
I can't recall a movie in which a song so perfectly conveyed the meaning of a scene. The song "Mad World" plays over the end of the movie. It explains it all. It's Darko's theme song:
"And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had."
Witches of Breastwick (2005)
Directed byJim Wynorski
Monique Parent.... Tiffany Carter
Jay Richardson.... Dr. Richards
Glori-Anne Gilbert.... Rebecca
Stormy.... Felicia (as Stormy Daniels)
Julie K. Smith.... Lola
Jodie Moore.... Doctor's Assistant
Taimie Hannum.... Holly
A man is haunted by a recurring nightmare that three large breasted women are trying to have sex with him. This is a nightmare? Apparently it is and it disturbs him so much he decides to drive into the woods to see if he can find the source of his dreams. Monique Parent is the understanding wife who has sex with him in the forest to try to take his mind off of his witch problem. Soon they will run into the witches, (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Julie K. Smith and Stormy Daniels), at a house that looks remarkably similar to the house featured in "Lust Connection". When I say similar, I mean it's the exact same house. The guy must exorcise his demons by having sex with each and every woman in this movie. His wife gets to have some fun in the hot tub and bath tub with the witch girls. A lot of tub action in this one. It all leads to a showdown with the witches as they have plans for his horny mortal soul.
The filmmakers must have gotten a real deal on this house. They have now filmed two skin flicks at it and I feel safe in saying that we'll be seeing it again in some future Julie K Smith/Glori-Anne Gilbert/whomever romp. That hot tub has seen a lot of beautiful things. Also like "Lust Connection", this movie only has one guy in it. They must be giving away lottery tickets to star in these movies. If your number hits, you can go to the mountain house of love and get it on with as many hot chicks as the movie can fit in. It's probably just more cost effective to have one guy and save the money for the women.
Speaking of women, let me once again praise Julie K Smith. She gets a turn with the guy in his bedroom and a session in the bath tub with Parent and Gilbert. I don't think it can be said enough times that her breasts are fantastic. So let me say it now. Her breasts are fantastic. Stormy Daniels also makes a fine horny witch. She gets to pop into the infamous hot tub with Gilbert and Parent and also gets to have sex with super stud by a tree trunk. I wouldn't mind seeing her in more hot tub adventures. I wish I could say that Gilbert rocks my world but she doesn't. She just doesn't know what to do in a lesbian sex scene. Her scenes in the bath and hot tubs should have been great but she clearly is uncomfortable. During the hot tub scene, she keeps staring off screen as if someone is talking to her. I can guess what they were saying, "Do something!". However, her scene with the guy in the woods was pretty good and she does get naked at the drop of a hat. There are good things about her but it would probably be wise to keep her away from other naked women.
Overall, "Witches of Breastwick" is a fine sex flick. It improves on "Lust Connection" by letting the ladies have some quality time away from the lottery winning guy. It's got everything a horny witch movie should have: Hot women, naked breasts galore, sex in hot tubs, and a few scenes of actual witchery. Not too much witch action but just enough to give the illusion that there is actually a plot hiding amongst the parade of naked women.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 horny witches